Courtship Rituals
by Rapunzel4
Summary: Unbeknownst to Heero, Relena has asked Duo to help him learn the basics of dating. However, confusion ensues, particularly when Heero starts to realize that it may not be Relena he wants to impress... [COMPLETE]
1. The Plan

Disclaimers: Gundam Wing and its characters do not belong to me. Warnings: shounen ai, language in later parts, Relena bashing? (I'm not trying to, but some people will hate her anyway.) Author's Notes: When I finally get off my week of spring break, leave it to my muse to wait until the day before I have to leave to go back to school to start something new. Maybe it was the Girl Scout cookies...  
  
Courtship Rituals  
By Rapunzel  
  
Part 1: The Plan  
  
Relena paced restlessly across her office. Pausing by the desk, she reached over ad straightened a few papers that were not really out of order. He was late, and she was nervous, and just a little irritated. How could he be late? Hadn't he figured out how important this was to her? Maybe he wasn't the right person for the job after all, she thought dismally. But if he wasn't, then who was?  
  
A knock at the door interrupted her musings, and she sprang towards it with a feeling of relief. _Finally_, he was here.  
  
"Hey, Relena! Sorry I'm late. Got caught in traffic, you understand..."  
  
Relena nodded politely. "Hello Duo. Please come in."  
  
He stepped inside her office, a place he had never been before, and looked around him in appreciation. "Nice workspace you got here."  
  
"Thank you," she said automatically. "Won't you please sit down?"  
  
She sat at her desk and watched as he pulled up a chair and sat opposite her, the large expanse of paper-littered desktop between them. Placing his elbows on the surface in front of him, Duo leaned towards her intently.  
  
"So," he asked, his casual tone belied by the intense way he was studying her. "What'd you call me here for? I figure it must have been important." Leave it to Duo to get straight to the point.  
  
Relena nodded. "It is. Well, to me at least," she amended.  
  
"So..." Duo prompted her.  
  
"Well, uh..." Relena twisted her hands nervously. Now that he was actually here, she found herself incredibly reluctant to put forward her idea. He might think it was stupid, or that she was overstepping her bounds. But if anyone could help her, it would be Duo. She was sure of that.  
  
"I need your help!" she blurted abruptly. He nodded sympathetically, so she continued quickly, "It's about Heero."  
  
It might have been her imagination, but she thought she saw Duo's eyes narrow slightly. "What about him?"  
  
"Well, it's just... I..." She took a deep breath, and then started to speak very quickly, afraid that if she stopped, she would never get started again. "See, I want you to help Heero. I think he needs some instructions on how to make women happy. I keep dropping hints, but he never seems to get it, and you're his best friend, so I hoped..." She trailed off. Duo was frowning at her.  
  
"Wait a minute," Duo said. "Start again. What is it exactly that you're trying to get me to do?"  
  
Relena took another deep breath, and tried again. "I want you to teach Heero about how to date. You know, all the little stuff, like bringing flowers, and conversations and such. He's hopeless right now. I give him hints, sometimes, but he doesn't seem to pick up on them. I was hoping you might have better luck. You don't have to really do much, just nudge him in the right direction," she added, seeing Duo open his mouth to object.  
  
Duo still objected. "Now wait just a minute. I don't think this is really fair, getting me involved like this. What you and Heero do is your business, not mine."  
  
"But you're my friend, aren't you?" Relena asked, looking at him with shocked, hurt eyes.  
  
Duo looked uncomfortable. "Yeah, I'm your friend, but I'm Heero's friend too. I won't try to push him into doing something that will make him uncomfortable."  
  
"But it shouldn't really," Relena said, attempting to allay his doubts. "See, I think Heero really wants to date and all that, he just doesn't know how. You know how inept he can be when it comes to social interaction. All I want you to do is help him figure it out, give him pointers and such. I'm sure he'll appreciate it."  
  
"Are you sure?" Duo mused softly. "I'm not. Heero's proud, and he hates asking for help."  
  
Relena nodded vigorously. "That's why I'm asking you to step in, because I know he won't ask."  
  
Duo gave her a rather hard look. "And you think you know what's best for him?"  
  
Relena opened her mouth, and then paused, sensing that "yes" was not the right answer to that question. She closed her mouth for a moment, then tried again. "Of course, I wouldn't ask you to do anything Heero won't agree to. But I don't think he'll turn down your help if you offer it. He knows he's no good in social situations, and just because he won't ask for help doesn't mean he won't accept it."  
  
Duo considered that. "So you want me to go to Heero and offer him a little friendly advice on dating, on the condition that if Heero says he doesn't want help, I can just back off and let it go, right?"  
  
Relena beamed at him. "That's it exactly! Oh, will you, Duo? As a friend?"  
  
For some reason, Duo didn't look at all happy at the prospect, but after a moment, he nodded grudgingly. "Fine," he said. "But I ask Heero first. If he tells me to butt out, that's the end of it, you hear?"  
  
"Certainly," Relena said. "And just one more thing. Please don't let Heero know I asked you."  
  
Duo shrugged. "If you say so."  
  
Relena was nearly drunk with relief. That had gone so much better than she had anticipated. Maybe now her love life could finally get off the ground. "Thank you so much, Duo! You really are a great friend, both to me and to Heero!"  
  
"I hope Heero thinks so," Duo muttered dubiously, rising from his seat.  
  
"I'm sure he will," Relena reassured as she got up to usher him out of her office. "I'm sure he will."  
  
She was sure, but she still wondered why Duo looked so unhappy with the whole thing.  
  
~*~*~  
  
"Hey, Heero."  
  
Heero, who was in the act of removing his jacket and shoes, paused at the sound of his roommate's voice. There was a note in it that was not there normally, and it puzzled him. Moving into the living room, he beheld Duo sitting on the couch, looking rather like he was waiting for him.  
  
"Duo? Is something wrong?"  
  
Duo blinked. "No. Why should anything be wrong?"  
  
"No reason," Heero said. Whatever it was that had caused that unusual tone of voice, there was no sign of it in Duo's face. It must have been his imagination.  
  
"Sit down," Duo said, gesturing at a space on the couch next to him. "I want to talk to you about something."  
  
Obediently, Heero moved to the couch and sat down next to Duo. "What?"  
  
"It's been, what, about six months since the last battle ended," Duo began. "You feel like you're adjusting okay?"  
  
Heero shrugged noncommittally. Since he didn't really know exactly what "adjusted" was, he wasn't sure how to answer that question. He had a job in which he was no longer labeled as a terrorist. That was adjusted, wasn't it?  
  
Duo, perhaps sensing that that line wasn't the correct one to take, switched tactics. "How about Relena? Everything okay with her?"  
  
Heero frowned. "Relena? Why do you bring her up?"  
  
Duo shrugged. "I heard somewhere that you two were an item, and I'm just trying to confirm that."  
  
"An item?" Heero asked, still confused.  
  
"Yeah, you know. Dating. Going out. That kind of stuff."  
  
"Oh." Heero paused. "We're not really dating, exactly." He frowned again. "Not exactly," he repeated.  
  
"Any particular reason why not?" Duo prodded.  
  
Heero considered that. It wasn't like Duo to ask him so many questions at once, at least not without a good reason, but Heero also knew that if Duo didn't tell him his reasoning of his own accord, he was unlikely to divulge it at all. And he trusted Duo, trusted that whatever the reason was, it would be a good one. So he answered the question as candidly as he could.  
  
"I always get the feeling when I'm around Relena that she expects something from me," Heero admitted.  
  
Duo nodded understandingly. "She probably does."  
  
"But I don't know what it is she wants," Heero said.  
  
Duo gave him a wry grin. "She probably wants you to act more romantic. You know how girls are."  
  
"No," Heero said. "I don't know."  
  
"Well," Duo said slowly. "Do you want to?"  
  
"Huh? Do I want to what?"  
  
"Know more about females. Relena specifically."  
  
Heero paused to consider that. "I guess so."  
  
"So, would you, say, want to date her?" Duo asked.  
  
Heero smirked slightly, but there was no real humor behind it. If anything, there was a hint of self-contempt. "I wouldn't know how."  
  
"Sure you would, it's easy!" Duo said. "The question is, do you want to?"  
  
Heero nodded. "It might be nice. But there's still the problem..."  
  
Duo interrupted him. "There's no problem, buddy. That's why you've got me. Free advice and all that. Not that I claim to be any expert with the ladies, mind you..."  
  
"You'd do that?" Heero asked, surprised.  
  
"Sure," Duo answered easily. "But only if you want me to."  
  
"You know what you're getting yourself into?" Heero asked. It was a silly question, since Heero wouldn't be surprised to learn that Duo knew him better than anyone else in the world, but he had to ask it. He still had a lot of his soldier mentality left, and it was never a good idea to undertake a mission without knowing what you were getting yourself into.  
  
Duo laughed. "I know, I know. You're going to tell me that you have the social skills of a log. But really, Heero, you have been getting better. It just takes time. If you want me to help you take this next step, I'm there."  
  
"Well, then," Heero said, "where do I start?"  
  
tbc...  
  
Author's Note: Well, what do you think? Love it? Hate it? Think it's been done too many times before? Supremely indifferent to it? This one's shaping up to be a multi-parter, but there's still time to call it off. Please let me know what you think of it. 


	2. The Flower Fiasco

Well, the quarter is yet young, which means that I can still delude myself into thinking that I have time to write (even though I really don't).  
  
Disclaimers: Gundam Wing and its characters do not belong to me. Warnings: shounen ai, language in later parts, Relena bashing? (I'm not trying to, but some people will hate her anyway.)  
  
Courtship Rituals  
By Rapunzel  
  
Part 2: The Flower Fiasco  
  
Heero stood in front of the door to Relena's residence, well dressed and neat, nervously running over a checklist in his mind. Duo had told him that women often liked guys to make the first move, and so Heero had called Relena and asked if she wanted to go out to dinner with him (the suggestion of where to go also having been provided by Duo). She had agreed so promptly that Heero wondered if she had been waiting for some time for him to make such a suggestion. And now, there he was, not really sure what he was doing.  
  
Dating Relena had not really been something that had occurred to him. Of course, dating anybody had never really occurred to him before, but that was natural, given the fact that he had lived most of his life in near isolation. Still, he couldn't quite believe he was here. Apparently, this was what normal people did, this whole ritual called dating. /What a lot of fuss to be normal,/ he thought sourly. Still, Duo assured him that this was what Relena expected of him, and he didn't want to disappoint her.  
  
Taking a deep breath, Heero ran through the checklist Duo had given him again. Girls liked it when you were punctual; he was here a little bit early. Appearances were important; one must dress for the occasion. He was dressed in the suit he normally wore when required to attend formal affairs, which happened very rarely. He'd even asked Duo to help him with his hair, which never looked neat, but Duo had told him that he looked just fine with it as it was, and the Relena was probably attracted by the "wild" look. He had the restaurant all picked out, and he was feeling mildly pleased with himself. Punctual, well dressed, prepared, bringing flowers...  
  
Shimatta! He'd forgotten the flowers!  
  
Most people would not have considered this to be such a disaster, but Heero's war-trained mind had equated this outing to a mission, and it was unthinkable to go into a mission without all the proper materials. What was he to do? He hadn't arrived so early that he had time to run back and buy a bouquet. But how else was he supposed to get flowers in time?  
  
The answer was right there, all around him. The garden, of course.  
  
Heero turned away from the door to survey the garden. He had looked at it before with the eye of one doing reconnaissance, but now he paused, trying not to think about what cover various bushes might provide, but instead about what types of flowers growing in the beds would be considered most attractive by Relena. The front beds were mostly planted with pansies, which he quickly discarded as a flower choice. They were very pretty, but they didn't have the long stems needed for a bouquet. The same was true of the impatiens that surrounded a nearby tree. Leaving the front steps and trekking further into the garden, Heero found himself discarding more and more choices. The blossoms on the trees were too small. The daffodils might have worked, but they were already wilting. He found himself beginning to get discouraged.  
  
Something nagged at his memory. Duo had told him a little about flowers and what ones were preferable. Heero paused, trying to remember. What was it he had said? Roses. Apparently, women found roses preferable to other flowers. He had no idea why, but that was what Duo had said. He trusted Duo not to give him misinformation, and Duo knew more about these things than he did.  
  
With his mission firmly in mind, Heero strode through the garden, looking for roses.  
  
~*~*~  
  
"Heero! How good to see you!" Relena gushed as she opened the door to admit him. Heero decided that she must be very pleased to see him indeed, since she had opened the door herself instead of letting Pagan do it.  
  
"Relena." He nodded politely to her. She looked a little disappointed at the greeting, but her smile brightened an instant later when Heero showed her the hand that he had kept behind his back, holding out the five roses he had cut.  
  
"Oh, Heero, you shouldn't have!" She reached out a hand to take them, then recoiled slightly. "Ow!"  
  
"What's wrong?" he asked.  
  
"They've got thorns," she said, sounding rather surprised. "And they aren't wrapped in anything."  
  
Heero frowned. Duo had neglected to mention how the flowers were to be done up when presented, so he hadn't done anything. Apparently, that was the wrong choice.  
  
Relena caught sight of his face, and hurriedly gave him a reassuring smile. "It was very sweet of you," she said, reaching out to take the roses from him gingerly.  
  
She had barely removed the flowers from his hands when a screeching sound broke out. Whirling around and reaching automatically for a gun, Heero was confronted with a woman wearing gloves and very dirty clothing, who was yelling at him furiously.  
  
"Villain!" she shrieked. "Vandal! How dare you touch my flowers!"  
  
"Your flowers?" Heero and Relena both chorused.  
  
"Yes!" the unknown woman cried. "Well, that is to say, _your_ flowers, Ms. Relena," she amended with a slight bow towards Relena. "But I'm the one who looks after them!"  
  
/Ah,/ Heero thought, finally able to identify the woman. /This must be Relena's gardener./  
  
There was no time to congratulate himself on discovering her identity, as she was already on him. Whirling around furiously to face him, she went into a rapid tirade. "What do you think you're doing, going out and cutting my flowers?! Do you have any idea how much work it takes to keep them perfect like that?! You didn't even clip them properly! Now they'll never bud the way I want them to!"  
  
"You clipped these from my garden?" Relena asked, looking confused.  
  
Heero nodded slightly, hoping that she would intervene and get this crazy woman away from him. However, she simply scowled at him. "I thought they looked familiar," she said, managing to sound both disappointed and disdainful at the same time.  
  
"I should hope so," the gardener said. "I've spent years pruning and tending those roses! Do you have any idea how delicate that variety is?! If you've damaged them permanently, I'll-"  
  
But she didn't get a chance to say what she would do to him, for Relena, who had been studying the roses closely, suddenly dropped them with a shriek and leapt back. "Bug!" she squealed. "There's bugs on them!"  
  
The gardener stopped her verbal barrage and turned to look at her employer in disbelief. "What?"  
  
"Little green bugs!" Relena cried, staring at the roses on the floor as if they were something slimy and disgusting.  
  
The gardener's nostrils flared. "Aphids on _my_ roses?!" she cried furiously, striding over and seizing one of the unfortunate flowers from the floor. After inspecting them closely, she once again turned on Heero. "Did you plant them there?!"  
  
"Why the hell would I do that?!" Heero demanded, rather fed up with the whole thing. "I'm sorry I cut your damn roses; take them back if you like!"  
  
"There's no point now; they're already cut!" she responded furiously. "Aphids on my roses!" she repeated furiously to herself as she stalked towards the door. "Unheard-of! Something must be done!" And then she was gone, as suddenly as she'd appeared.  
  
Sighing heavily, Heero reached down and collected the roses off the floor. He considered offering them to Relena again, but judging by her reaction to them already, he doubted that she'd take them. And the occasion for which they'd been collected was ruined. Even if he and Relena did straighten things out and decide to keep going, there was no way they could make it to the restaurant at the time he had specified in the reservation. The evening seemed to have been shot to hell anyway, so he simply straightened, roses in hand, and said, "Goodnight, Relena."  
  
She made no move or gesture to stop him, just watched him walk out the door, roses still in hand.  
  
~*~*~  
  
"For future reference, Heero," Duo said, "it's bad form to give a girl roses that you cut from her garden. If you get them from your garden, it's fine, but not from hers." He looked up briefly from his task to give Heero a serious look.  
  
Heero grunted and endured the slight pain as Duo bent back to work, swabbing the cuts made by the thorns on the roses with antiseptic. "You failed to mention that earlier," he muttered, feeling surly.  
  
Duo gave him a wry smile as he dug around in the first aid kit for band aids. "It never even occurred to me that this might happen. But I guess it should have."  
  
"Hn," Heero snorted, looking away. He was still in an exceedingly bad mood after the evening's events, and recounting the whole thing to Duo had only made things more embarrassing, even though Duo hadn't said much, but had simply gone and fetched the first aid kit to tend to his hands.  
  
"Come on," Duo said, observing his distemper. "It's not so bad, really. I'm sure Relena will forgive you. Just make sure not to let that gardener come near you with any sharp objects."  
  
It was meant to be a joke, but Heero simply scowled at his roommate. He was in no mood for humor, and he wanted Duo to know it. Apparently, Duo got the message, for he didn't speak again until his task was done.  
  
"There," Duo said, applying the last band aid. "All done."  
  
Heero pulled his hands back and studied them. Duo had used the minimum number of band aids to cover the cuts made by the thorns. "You didn't need to do this," Heero reminded him.  
  
Duo waved that away. "I know a few cuts seem pretty minor, especially to people like us, but it can't hurt."  
  
"Hn," Heero muttered again. Crossing to the table where he had dropped the unfortunate bunch of flowers, he picked them up, careful of the thorns this time, and threw them on the couch next to Duo. "Here," he said.  
  
Duo looked surprised. "You're giving them to me?"  
  
"Well, no one else seems to want them!" Heero snapped, then regretted it almost instantly as a flash of hurt disappointment crossed Duo's face. It was gone in an instant, but it made Heero's night seem like even more of a failure. "I'm going to bed," he said shortly, and stalked out of the room, leaving Duo still sitting on the couch next to the first aid kit and five rather battered looking roses.  
  
Tbc...  
  
Alright, I've never done this before, but I've seen other people do it, so I'm taking a shot at it. So many people reviewed and gave me great feedback that I couldn't just let it pass. So, I'll attempt to address the reviews individually.  
  
Mazza2869: Thank you for the critical feedback. Yes, I know description is my weak point. It always has been. I'll try better, I promise!  
  
ally127: I'm afraid that I'm a die hard 1x2x1 fan, so yes, this is definitely going to be shounen ai. There are very few of my Gundam Wing fics that aren't. I hope you'll like it in spite of that, and I am not at all offended. Everyone has their preferred pairings.  
  
Camillian: Thank you for the comments. I admit that I'm not much of a 1xR fan either, though I don't loath Relena the way some fans do. And I hope you'll find the next parts at least somewhat amusing, since I think there's plenty of opportunity for comedy in this story.  
  
Chibi-libra810: I didn't think Relena was so bad in that chapter, and I'm trying not to write her as completely evil, but of course, the inner 2x1 fangirl has a slightly different perspective. I'm sorry you didn't like the chapter length. I put the chapter breaks where the muse tells me to, but I'll try to keep the chapters at least four pages in length.  
  
Regina: Thanks for the feedback. I think this one's pretty much taken off, so I shouldn't be abandoning it any time soon.  
  
noire: If only it worked that way... If I paid as much attention to the muse as she demands, I would never get anything done. Still, work induces her to write, so hopefully I'll be able to update fairly often.  
  
Thanks to everyone else who reviewed. I didn't have time to get to all of you, but I do appreciate your comments, and I hope you liked this chapter. 


	3. Apologies

I apologize for the lengthy break between chapters, and I should warn people that it may take a while for me to get the next chapter finished. This quarter is turning out to be especially hectic, and I may not have much free time for the foreseeable future.  
  
Disclaimers: Gundam Wing and its characters do not belong to me. Warnings: shounen ai, language in later parts, Relena bashing? (I'm not trying to, but some people will hate her anyway.)  
  
Courtship Rituals  
By Rapunzel  
  
Part 3: Apologies  
  
The next morning, when Heero came into the living room, he was surprised to see the five roses sitting in a cup of water, looking slightly less sorry than they had the night before. Their presence made him feel rather guilty about snapping at Duo the previous night. After all, this whole mess wasn't Duo's fault; if he hadn't forgotten the flowers in the first place, he wouldn't have had to raid from Relena's garden. With that thought in mind, he sought out his roommate, intending to apologize to him, only to find that Duo wasn't there.  
  
That surprised Heero. Duo didn't work with the Preventors like he did, and he usually left the apartment a little later than Heero. At first, Heero thought that the former pilot might be sleeping in, but his bedroom was empty as well. Confused, Heero wandered around the apartment once more, as if hoping to discover his roommate concealed somewhere. However, he was forced to admit defeat and start preparing for work or run the risk of being late.  
  
/Duo,/ he thought as he donned his uniform. /Where the hell are you?/  
  
"I'm sorry to make you come over so early," Relena said apologetically as she ushered Duo into one of the well-furnished sitting rooms in her house.  
  
"It's no trouble," Duo assured her. "If you hadn't contacted me, I'd have been in touch with you anyway."  
  
They sat down, Duo on the couch and Relena in an armchair facing him. Relena fidgeted a bit, twisting the arm cover of the chair for a moment before blurting, "It's just that last night didn't go at all as I wanted it to."  
  
Duo snorted lightly. "I don't think it went the way anyone wanted it to. Heero didn't exactly plan for that to happen either, you know."  
  
"Well, but what was he thinking, cutting my flowers like that?" Relena demanded.  
  
"How was he supposed to know not to?" Duo asked.  
  
She frowned furiously. "It's not exactly a proper thing to do," she said, sounding rather disdainful.  
  
Duo threw up his hands. "He doesn't know about that! Heero's never had to be 'proper' before in his life! He's a soldier, Relena, or at least he was, and he still thinks like one. When he needs something, he simply takes it from wherever he can get it. That little thing called social etiquette doesn't mean much to him yet."  
  
"That's why I asked you to help him," Relena said, exasperated.  
  
Duo sighed heavily. "You did," he said seriously. "And maybe I'm falling down on the job, in which case you should get mad at me, not Heero."  
  
"What makes you think I'm mad at Heero?" Relena demanded, surprised.  
  
The look Duo gave her could best be described as skeptical. "Aren't you?" he asked. "Because that's sure the impression I was getting, and I'm almost positive it's the one Heero was getting too."  
  
"I'm not mad at him," Relena protested. "Not really... Well, maybe I was, just a little bit," she conceded.  
  
"You really upset him, you know that?" Duo said seriously. "He was in a very bad mood last night." He sighed, and repeated softly, "A very bad mood..."  
  
Relena frowned. Duo sounded... hurt?  
  
Whatever mood was gripping Duo, he seemed to shake it off quickly. "Anyway," he continued, "you have to be more patient with him. Dating rituals are a complicated thing, and most people have been learning them since childhood. Heero's not going to get this stuff overnight, if he ever does."  
  
"Okay, okay," Relena said, making a placating gesture with her hands. "How's this? I'll call him up at work and say I'm sorry for making a scene."  
  
Duo nodded. "You do that."  
  
"Just please," Relena said, leaning forward beseechingly, "please don't let this happen again. My gardener is furious right now. She thinks Heero planted the aphids on her roses. The last time I mentioned him to her, she muttered something ominous about pruning sheers."  
  
Duo winced. "I'll make sure he knows to steer clear of her."  
  
"Good," Relena said. "And you'll still help out?"  
  
"As long as Heero wants me to," Duo answered seriously. Then he glanced at his watch. "I'm sorry to cut this short, but I've got to go, or I'll be late for work."  
  
He stood, and Relena stood with him. "Thank you for coming over," she said. "I'm sorry I had to get you up so early."  
  
He waved that away. "Ah, don't worry about it."  
  
She frowned at that, observing him a little more closely. "You look tired," she pointed out, and to her surprise, he really did. She didn't think she'd ever seen Duo tired before; he always gave such an impression of boundless energy.  
  
Duo gave her a wan smile. "I had a little trouble sleeping last night, that's all. I'll take a nap or something later."  
  
Relena nodded and let the subject drop. After all, it wasn't her place to pry.  
  
The phone was ringing.  
  
At first, Heero cursed the sound for distracting him in the middle of the file he was reading. Who the hell was calling him right before his lunch hour? And why? Whatever their reason was, Heero thought sourly, it had better be good. Then another thought occurred to him. What if it was Duo? Irrational though the thought was, for Duo almost never phoned him at work unless there was something very important going on, it spurred Heero into picking up the receiver and mutter an almost cordial "Hello?"  
  
"Heero?"  
  
Heero blinked. Relena? Of all the people to be calling him, she was one of the least likely. As far as he could remember, she had never called him at work before. Outside of work, yes, but never during.  
  
Perhaps Relena sensed some hesitation on his end of the line, for she said, "I'm not interrupting anything important, am I?"  
  
"No," Heero answered, tossing aside the folder.  
  
"Oh, good," Relena sounded relieved.  
  
"Why are you calling?" Heero asked, eager to cut to the chase. He had never understood the whole bother of dancing around an issue with a lot of idle chitchat when you could simply save a lot of time by coming right out and saying it.  
  
"Well, it's about last night."  
  
Heero grunted. He'd been afraid of that.  
  
"It's just that last night really didn't go as well as I'd hoped," Relena said hesitantly.  
  
/No shit?/ Heero thought, but didn't say it aloud. Relena had never really liked swearing.  
  
"Well, I've been thinking about it, and I realized that I was probably a little harsh with you. I mean, it wasn't entirely your fault."  
  
/Wasn't it?/ Heero wondered, but Relena was still speaking.  
  
"It was really very sweet of you to think to bring me flowers in the first place, I suppose, and I don't think I appreciated that enough." Relena was talking very fast now, sounding nervous. "What I mean to say is that that attempt got botched, but would you like to try again?"  
  
There was a breathless pause. Heero considered.  
  
"Not right away," he said after a moment. He'd need time to consult with Duo, after all.  
  
"Well, whenever you want," Relena answered, sounding slightly disappointed, but still rather hopeful.  
  
Heero thought about it some more. "Friday?" he asked. That would give him a few days to prepare.  
  
"Okay," Relena said, sounding breathless and excited now. "What time?"  
  
"Six o'clock," Heero answered. That would also give him plenty of time for whatever plans he ended up making.  
  
"You'll pick me up?" Relena asked eagerly.  
  
Heero nodded. "Yes. Be ready at six."  
  
"I will!" Relena assured him eagerly.  
  
"Good," Heero said, thinking that this was anything but good. One part of his mind was jabbering away in panic, asking him just what the hell he thought he was doing. He should have consulted Duo first. "I have to go now," he said abruptly, wanting to end the conversation before he could dig himself in any deeper.  
  
"Okay," Relena said. "I'll see you on Friday then. Oh, and Heero?"  
  
"What?" he asked, feeling a little nervous about what she was going to say.  
  
"You don't have to bring me flowers."  
  
The moment Heero walked into the apartment, the smell of cooking onions reached his nostrils, telling him that not only had Duo arrived home before him, but his roommate was trying his hand at cooking. That was a little odd, since neither of them really knew how to cook well and they mostly just avoided the chore as much as possible. Still, he didn't have time to puzzle over it. He had an apology that he'd been waiting all day to make, after all.  
  
Duo was standing by the stove when he entered the kitchen, his back to the entryway. However, he must have heard Heero's approach, for he turned around and gave his roommate a somewhat hesitant smile. "Hey, Heero. How's it going?"  
  
"Better," Heero admitted. Taking a deep breath, he launched into what needed to be said. "Duo, I'm sorry I snapped at you last night."  
  
The smile Duo gave him was a little less hesitant. "It's okay. You were in a bad mood."  
  
"That doesn't mean I should take it out on you when you're trying to help me," Heero muttered.  
  
"No," Duo agreed, "it doesn't. But you were upset, and I understand, and you've apologized, so now it's over. You said today went better?"  
  
Heero nodded.  
  
"Did you talk to Relena today?" Duo asked.  
  
Heero was surprised. How the hell had Duo known that? It was positively uncanny sometimes, the way his roommate knew things without being told.  
  
"Yes," he answered. "She called me up to apologize."  
  
"Well," Duo said, "I guess that explains why you're in a better mood now."  
  
/Does it?/ Heero wondered. It might, he supposed. After all, it was nice to hear confirmation that he hadn't totally screwed up this whole dating thing, however badly the previous night had gone. Which was good, because he was going to have to try again.  
  
"Relena wants me to go out with her again," Heero told his roommate.  
  
"And what did you say?" Duo wanted to know.  
  
"I fixed the date for this Friday," Heero said. "Duo... I need your help, or I'm going to screw this one up too."  
  
The smile Duo gave him had a hint of melancholy in it, but it was gone before Heero had time to try and discern its cause. All Duo said was, "Hey, that's what I'm here for. And don't talk so negative; you won't screw up this time."  
  
"Duo..." Heero was touched. He wanted to say he was grateful. To thank Duo for all of his help. To thank him for putting up with his socially challenged roommate even in the midst of crises and mood swings. Instead, what came out of his mouth was, "Your onions are burning."  
  
"Shit!" Duo whirled around and hastily reduced the heat underneath his pan, desperately trying to salvage the food. "Quick, Heero, open the windows before we set off the smoke alarm!"  
  
Heero did as he had been told without comment, abandoning the idea of brining up his sentiments again. After all, he mused, there would be plenty of time to talk to Duo later.  
  
Tbc...  
  
And thus, the stage is set for the next fiasco...  
  
And now, feedback for the reviewers!  
  
Mazza2869: Thank you for your thorough comments. I do tend to be a little comma happy at times, and it's good that someone calls me on it. Most of you other corrections are well received too. However, with regard to my use of distemper, I stand by my choice of wording. In my dictionary, if you sift through the disease entries, you come on one that reads, "Ill humor or testiness." Hm... so you found chapter two a little flatter? How so? I probably can't see these things because I'm too close to it. And as for the G-boys having girly mannerisms, if I ever make them overly girly in anything other than a parody, I hope someone shoots me for the good of the fandom.  
  
Camillian: It's true that while I'm not trying to bash Relena outright, I do write her as being somewhat less than understanding. That's the way she has to be for the plot to progress. And yes, Duo does care very deeply for Heero at the moment, he just hasn't said anything yet.  
  
kari073: Thanks for your enthusiasm. I'm afraid updates will be rather infrequent, but I hope that doesn't drive you off. With regards to the POV, I was planning to mostly tell it from Heero's point of view, with a little bit of Relena thrown in to explain some things. Not so much Duo, I'm afraid. I figure he gets enough POV time in my other fics. As for what scenes I'll do next, well, you'll just have to wait and see. .  
  
Thanks to everyone else who commented on this fic! I may not have gotten to everyone, but I really do appreciate all the comments I get. 


	4. Physical Appearances

Well, I would like to apologize to everybody who has been waiting for the next chapter of this little number. I know I've been terribly slow about getting it out. Right now I'm tripping merrily through the fandoms, which means that when my muse stops by, I can never be sure what I'm going to get out of her. But I finally managed to catch her and sit on her until I finished this. I hope you enjoy it.  
  
Disclaimers: Gundam Wing and its characters do not belong to me. Warnings: shounen ai, language in later parts, Relena bashing? (I'm not trying to, but some people will hate her anyway.) Author's Notes: For those of you who care (which is probably very few of you), I've had to change the little scene break symbols because the evil site won't upload things like asterisks for some weird reason. Scene breaks will now look like this: /-/-/-/  
  
Courtship Rituals  
By Rapunzel  
  
Chapter 4: Physical Appearances  
  
"Duo, remind me. Why are we doing this again?"  
  
"Practice," Duo answered easily as he maneuvered through the crowd.  
  
Heero grunted in response as he hastily sidestepped to avoid colliding with a large bag being carried by a woman walking past them. He was immediately forced to jump to the side again in order to avoid hitting a young man walking the other direction. Gritting his teeth with annoyance, Heero doggedly made his way forward in an attempt to keep up with Duo. He was beginning to despair at ever being able to catch up with his roommate when he noticed that Duo had stopped a little ways ahead and was waiting for him under the relative shelter of a store front.  
  
"I hate shopping centers," Heero grumbled when he'd finally reached the other.  
  
"They're a necessary evil," Duo said with a shrug. "But you have to admit, they're a great place to run into people you don't know."  
  
"Yeah," Heero muttered. "Literally." He was not in the most pleasant of moods at the moment. Being in crowds always made him rather edgy. Duo didn't seem to mind, but then crowds tended to have the opposite effect on him. Being surrounded by large numbers of people almost seemed to provide him with a sense of security, probably due in part to his ability to disappear easily into them. It was an ability that Heero lacked, and without it he felt nervous and tense, as if expecting to be attacked at any moment. Perhaps that was why Duo had brought him here, he mused, to help him get over that somewhat irrational feeling. Then he dismissed the idea; Duo wouldn't be so cruel.  
  
"Come on," Duo said, taking him by the arm and steering him gently away from the store front and back out towards the flow of people. "Let's find a place to sit down."  
  
Once they had secured a table at the food court and were out of the way of the river of people flowing around them, Heero felt more at ease. He even felt emboldened to ask, "So what exactly are we here to practice?"  
  
Duo gave him a mischievous smile. "A skill you possess very little of right now: the ability to talk to women."  
  
Heero frowned at him. "I can talk to women. I've talked to Relena."  
  
Duo's smile didn't falter, and he didn't look put out by the observation, but neither did he jeer at Heero for misunderstanding him. Instead, he said, "Let me rephrase that then. We're going to practice complimenting women. Because they do like to be complimented, you know."  
  
Heero snorted. "Who doesn't?"  
  
"Exactly," Duo said, beaming at him. "So you understand my reasoning. If you don't mind my saying so, Heero, your ability to give casual compliments is... um... well..."  
  
Heero snorted. "Non-existent?" he supplied.  
  
"Well, I wouldn't go that far, but it is somewhat lacking," Duo said, his smile looking a bit sheepish. "I'm not trying to say that you never say nice things to people, because you do, but... not all that often. Of course, then when you do, it's a big deal, and everyone knows that whatever you complimented them for must be really special, so I'm not saying it's entirely a bad thing, but... well, you get the point."  
  
Heero nodded. "So where do we start?"  
  
"Well," Duo said, "I was figuring that we could just wander around and see who we bump into. If we run into any women about our age, we can try the whole compliment thing out. You know, make a few complimentary remarks about their physical appearance or something. I'll demonstrate on a few first so you can get the idea, okay?"  
  
"But what will the women think of this?" Heero wondered.  
  
Duo grinned. "Why, they'll think we're flirting with them, of course, and technically, we will be. As for how they'll react, well, that'll depend on the woman. Some will probably high tail it, some will just smile and nod, but I'm betting that at least a few will flirt back."  
  
"I thought you said we were practicing compliments, not flirting," Heero pointed out with a slight frown.  
  
Duo shrugged that aside. "The two go hand in hand. Anyway, you really should learn both; flirting is a useful skill. Very handy in certain social situations. And it's another one of those skills you kind of... lack."  
  
"And you have it," Heero said dryly.  
  
Duo grinned at him. "Heero, my man, when I want to be, I am the **king** of flirting."  
  
"And do you want to be?"  
  
Duo paused, seeming rather taken aback by the question. His face grew more serious, but his tone was casual as he answered, "No, not really. Not most of the time, anyway." Then he seemed to shake off whatever mood had gripped him in that instant and he grabbed Heero's arm, hauling the other up out of his seat. "Well, let's get started, shall we? We won't accomplish anything if we just sit there all day."  
  
And so Heero submitted and allowed himself to be towed around the shopping center. At first, he was rather skeptical about the efficacy of Duo's plan, but skepticism soon gave way to grudging admiration. He wouldn't have thought it possible to meet so many women in such a short space of time, but it seemed that Duo had spoken true when he had called himself the king of such things. He would select a woman at random, point her out to Heero, and then move in. Then he would start off with some small but gentlemanly gesture, be it holding a door open or getting something down from off a high shelf. From there, he would strike up a conversation and would inevitably throw in a casual comment on some aspect of the woman's appearance, be it her hair, her eyes, or the clothes and shoes she was wearing. A few of the women just smiled and thanked him and went on their merry way, but most of them reacted with much more enthusiasm. Some of the younger ones giggled, and almost all of them blushed slightly and began posturing, almost unconsciously making gestures designed to accentuate whatever feature he had complimented them on. For those ones, ending the conversation seemed to be the hardest part, but Duo managed it deftly enough. By the time an hour had gone by, he already had a few scraps of paper containing phone numbers.  
  
"All right, Heero," he said at last, pausing to dump the paper slips into a nearby trash bin, "it's your turn."  
  
It was the moment Heero had been dreading. He had tried to tell himself that it wouldn't be so bad (after all, Duo did it easily enough), but he kept on being brought up short by the cold reminder that this was Duo. He made everything look easy. However, it was too late to back out now, so Heero squared his shoulders and took the lead.  
  
Alas, his forebodings proved well founded. He tried hard to follow Duo's strategy, but to no avail. The small, gentlemanly gesture was easy enough, but he had a lot of trouble striking up a conversation afterwards. His compliments always seemed to fall flat somehow, and he began to consider himself lucky if the women smiled and thanked him politely. Most of them simply shot him a nervous look and edged away.  
  
"It's because your facial expressions are all wrong," Duo told him after one girl had practically run from him. "You're supposed to smile when you give them lines like that, not glower or look like you just swallowed a very bitter cup of poison."  
  
"Hn," Heero snorted.  
  
"All right," Duo said, running a hand through his bangs, "if you won't smile, at least try not to glare, okay? And maybe if you duck your head a little bit, they'll think you're just shy."  
  
Heero glared, but decided not to bother voicing his opinions on the ridiculousness of associating the word "shy" with him. Instead he turned around and stalked off, searching for a new person to practice on.  
  
Finally, it seemed as if his luck might turn. A small, rather pretty young lady with short brown curly hair had dropped one of her shopping bags and was now kneeling on the ground trying to collect all the various items that had spilled out of it. Duo took one look at her, then grabbed Heero by the shoulders and gave him a little shove. "Go on!" he said.  
  
Reluctantly, Heero moved over and knelt down next to the woman to assist her. The bag had apparently contained an assortment of various scented candles and soaps, and Heero started grabbing items off the ground at random and handing them back to their agitated owner. The young woman had apparently been very flustered by the loss of her bag, and she was almost pathetically grateful for Heero's assistance.  
  
"Thank you for helping me," she said, smiling shyly up at him after they had finished collecting the items and risen to their feet again.  
  
"It was no trouble," Heero said automatically, having learned that that was the appropriate response in such situations. He desperately cast about for something to add before she got bored and wandered off like all the rest. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Duo making little encouraging gestures as discreetly as he could.  
  
/What the hell,/ he thought desperately, /I might as well dive straight in./ "You know, you have very nice eyes," he heard himself saying.  
  
To his surprise, the young woman blushed and ducked her head modestly. "Do you really think so?" she asked, looking back up and batting said eyes at him.  
  
Heero felt a stirring of accomplishment. Finally, one of the women he had talked to was reacting the way she was supposed to. Encouraged, he made himself actually look at her eyes as they peered up at him from behind her glasses. They were a rather murky hazel color. "Yeah," he said, "they look like two muddy ponds."  
  
Out of the corner of his eye, he thought he saw Duo bang his head against a nearby wall.  
  
The young woman's face changed rather abruptly. Her smile disappeared, and she looked both bewildered and angry. "Oh," she said simply before hefting her bag up and stomping off.  
  
Heero turned and shot a confused glance at Duo, who rubbed his temples and said, "I think you need to work on this some more."  
  
/-/-/-/  
  
Heero sighed heavily. This was it. The dreaded Friday night. The time for him to prove himself had come. He swallowed hard, trying to convince his stomach to untie itself from the knot it was currently twisted into. He imagined that this was how a high school student must feel before a really big test. Of course, he wasn't entirely sure, since at the times he had attended high school, tests had been the last thing on his mind, but he had memories of his former school mates from the various boarding schools bemoaning their fates.  
  
/"Oh, man, I'm so nervous I think I'm gonna throw up!"/  
  
/"I just want to get this over with!"/  
  
/"It can't be that bad, right? I mean, it's only worth 40% of our grade, right?"/  
  
/"40%?! That's it, I'm going to the nurse! Maybe I'm running a fever and she'll let me leave early!"/  
  
For a moment, Heero toyed with the idea of telling Relena he wasn't feeling well and had to cancel, but quickly dismissed the thought as cowardly. Now was his chance to prove that he had taken Duo's lessons to heart. He could do this, really he could. It wouldn't end like it had the last time. With that thought in mind, Heero squared his shoulders and knocked on the front door of Relena's house.  
  
"Heero, how wonderful to see you!" Relena gushed as she opened the door. Again he noticed that Pagan was nowhere in sight, but told himself that those details were unimportant. He wasn't supposed to be focused on the surroundings, he was supposed to focus on Relena, and so he did.  
  
"You look nice," he said.  
  
"Really?" She gave him a thousand watt smile and twirled around for his inspection. "Do you like my dress?"  
  
Heero's brows furrowed as he studied the clothing item in question. "It looks familiar," he said slowly.  
  
Apparently that was the correct response, for Relena beamed at him all the more. "Yes! It's the dress I wore on the night of my birthday party all those years ago, the night I followed you to the docks, remember?"  
  
Heero remembered. That was the night he had gone to destroy his Gundam and had ended up meeting Duo. And Duo had shot him. He remembered that part vividly.  
  
Relena was still talking. "Of course, it's not the actual dress I wore then, that one got ripped up so I could bandage your wounds, but it's one just like it."  
  
Heero nodded, still half lost in memories. Then he shook himself out of his reverie. "Shall we go?" he asked.  
  
She seemed a little startled by the abrupt comment which had interrupted her reminiscing, but after a moment she smiled and nodded and reached out to take his arm, since he hadn't offered it to her. "Lead on," she said, shutting the door behind her.  
  
They had barely left the safety of the front doorstep, however, when a sudden noise made Heero freeze and tense up. It started out as a sputtering sound, then continued as a hissing noise that steadily increased in volume. Instinctively, Heero leapt back, trying to pull Relena along with him, but she resisted his tugging. "Heero, what on earth is the matter with yo- aie!"  
  
Her comment ended abruptly in a squeal as jets of cold water shot up from the lawn around her and drenched her suddenly. Heero, who had managed to back up all the way to the doorstep and had thus avoided getting wet, frowned. "It's a rather inconvenient time to have your sprinkler system go off, don't you think?"  
  
Relena retreated to his position, looking very wet and very unhappy. "They're not supposed to go off for another several hours!" she protested. "Someone must have turned them on."  
  
"But why turn on the sprinklers for no reason?" Heero asked logically. "What a waste of water."  
  
"Is that all you can think about?" Relena cried incredulously. "I just got soaked!"  
  
"I'm sorry," Heero answered. "I tried to get you out of the way. But no harm done. It's just water, and it's not so cold yet that you're in any danger of catching a chill."  
  
"But my dress is ruined!"  
  
The door suddenly opened, and Pagan was standing there with towels, one of which he handed to Relena. "Ms. Relena," he said in that calm, imperturbable manner he always adopted, "please come inside and dry off. I'm terribly sorry for what happened."  
  
"Why are you apologizing?" Relena asked, gratefully accepting the towel and drying her face with it. "It's not like you were the one who turned on the sprinklers."  
  
"No Ma'am, but I'm afraid that I'm at least partially responsible," Pagan informed her regretfully. "You see, I was the one who let slip to the gardener that Mr. Yuy would be stopping by tonight."  
  
"The gardener?" Relena repeated, sounding surprised.  
  
"Yes Ms. Relena, the gardener, who I believe still bears a slight grudge against Mr. Yuy."  
  
Heero resisted the urge to groan aloud. He should have known that his previous screw up would find some way to come back and haunt him.  
  
"Really," Relena said, looking angry, flustered, and altogether close to tears, "this is too much! She's ruined my date!"  
  
"Now, Ms. Relena, don't be upset," Pagan soothed, placing another of the towels he carried around her shoulders. "I've already sent one of the maids up to your room to lay out another dress for you, and I believe that if you change quickly, you and Mr. Yuy may still make it on time for whatever events you had planned."  
  
Relena sniffled a little, but managed a grateful smile. "Thank you, Pagan. Heero, would you like to come upstairs with me?"  
  
Considering that the alternative was probably just to wait down in the entrance hall until she was ready, Heero agreed and trailed after her, noting absentmindedly that despite the towel wrapped around her, she was still leaving a dripping trail of water behind her. When she reached her room, she asked Heero to wait outside, but left the door open just a crack so that she could still talk to him.  
  
"We won't be late because of this, will we?" she asked, her voice muffled by the panel of wood that separated them.  
  
Heero glanced at his watch. "Not if we hurry."  
  
From inside the room came the sound of rustling cloth. "I'm hurrying," Relena assured him.  
  
Heero opened his mouth to answer, but whatever reply he might have made was cut off by a startled shriek, followed by a muffled thump.  
  
"Relena?" Heero asked, startled. Pushing the door all the way open, he went inside. "Are you all right?"  
  
Relena, who had evidently slipped on a spot of hardwood floor that had gotten wet, made an odd squeaking noise when he came in. She was sitting as she had landed, half sprawled on the floor, wearing her slightly damp underwear and nothing else. A red flush quickly covered her face, and she averted her eyes, ducking her head. Her reaction rather reminded Heero of the young woman he had talked with at the shopping center, and as he had in that case, he found himself saying the first thing that popped into his head.  
  
"Relena, did you know that your breasts are slightly uneven?"  
  
CRACK  
  
/-/-/-/  
  
"Boy, for a total pacifist, she sure hits pretty hard, huh?"  
  
Heero grunted, but made no further reply, only pressing the icepack his roommate had supplied him with a little more firmly against his face.  
  
"Not that you didn't deserve it, because you did," Duo went on. "I can't think what possessed you to say such a thing."  
  
"You said to make remarks on physical appearances," Heero grumbled.  
  
"**Complimentary** remarks," Duo corrected him firmly, sitting down on the couch next to him. "Telling a girl her breasts are uneven is defiantly not complimentary."  
  
"Well, how was I supposed to know that?"  
  
"Because if you ever look at the girls in magazine ads, none of them have uneven breasts," Duo answered.  
  
"But no real woman can ever look like that, so why should she take it so hard that she doesn't?" Heero asked, confused.  
  
Duo sighed. "Good question. But you're asking me to try and understand the way women think, which some would say is a hopeless endeavor for any man."  
  
"Hn," was all Heero had to say to that. He readjusted his icepack again.  
  
"Well, another date botched," Duo remarked. "Your track record so far hasn't been that great, so what do you say to maybe giving it a rest for the time being? Until you've had a little more practice or something," he suggested cautiously.  
  
Heero stared at him. "Give up? Fail?"  
  
"Now, don't think of it as failure," Duo said quickly, trying to placate him. "Think of it as time off to gather the necessary information to carry out the mission. Reconnaissance work and all that."  
  
"We tried that," Heero pointed out. "It didn't work. Now I don't know what to do."  
  
Duo looked unhappy. "I hate to say it, buddy, but after a slip-up like that, there's only one way you're gonna get back into Relena's good graces."  
  
"How's that?" Heero asked, sensing that he wouldn't like the answer.  
  
"Grovel," Duo said flatly. "Call her up tomorrow and beg for forgiveness."  
  
He'd been right; he didn't like that answer at all. Still, he'd invested quite a bit of time and effort into this dating thing, and the thought of failure galled him. Dammit, he'd prove that he could interact socially if it killed him! Of course, he still needed a lot of help from Duo... That thought made him feel a wash of guilt. What a lot of trouble he was putting his friend through, and for little or no result.  
  
"I'm sorry," he said quietly.  
  
"Sorry?" Duo repeated, surprised. "For what?"  
  
"For being such a poor student," Heero said. "It must seem like I'm just wasting your time."  
  
The surprised look on Duo's face softened in to what could only be described as tenderness. "C'mere," he said, hooking an arm around Heero's shoulders and tugging him until he had laid the unbruised side of his face against Duo's shoulder.  
  
"You're not a poor student," Duo said soothingly, keeping him within the one-armed hug. "These things just take time. I don't think Relena realizes how much time. And anyway," he added, resting his cheek against Heero's hair, "time spent with you is never wasted."  
  
Heero found his lips twitching almost involuntarily into a small smile. Both the hug and Duo's words managed to warm him thoroughly, which he supposed was a good thing because the icepack had slipped off his face and landed in his lap when Duo had hugged him. Absently, he pushed it off and let it fall to the floor. Just for that moment, it didn't matter that his face hurt or that he had quite possibly wrecked his relations with Relena for the foreseeable future.  
  
It ended all too soon for his tastes. Duo shifted slightly, then drew away, leaning down to retrieve the icepack from the floor. "Here," he said, handing it back to Heero. "You should keep that on your face. As it is, you're probably going to have a noticeable handprint there for a while."  
  
Heero nodded slightly and put the icepack back against his face. He said nothing, but in his mind he replayed Duo's earlier words over again.  
  
/"Time spent with you is never wasted."/  
  
He smiled.  
  
Tbc...  
  
::blinks:: Wow, this chapter came out a little longer than expected. I hope it makes up at least partially for the long interlude between posts. 


	5. The Quickest Way to the Heart

Disclaimers: Gundam Wing and its characters do not belong to me.

Warnings: shounen ai, language in later parts, Relena bashing? (I'm not trying to, but some people will hate her anyway.)

Author's Notes: Well, finals week is here, and we all know what that means. It means the muse will be unusually active, which can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on how you look at it...

Courtship Rituals

By Rapunzel

Chapter 5: The Quickest Way to the Heart

Heero grimaced as he hung up the phone. His interview with Relena had not gone as well as he might have liked. He had done as Duo suggested and prostrated himself before her (verbally, not literally, of course), but he wasn't sure she had forgiven him yet. Still, he thought he had made some progress. At least she hadn't been berating him quite as loudly at the end of the conversation as she had in the beginning.

Miniscule progress or not, his day was not going the way he would have liked. Wufei, being his partner, had been the first to notice the handprint on his face and inquire after its origin. Heero had foolishly told him the whole story, figuring that at least Wufei would have the decency not to laugh at him. Afterwards, he almost wished that Wufei **had** laughed. It might have been easier to take than the lecture that had followed. He'd tuned out most of it, but he knew the basic premise that Wufei had been expounding on: Heero was an idiot. Wufei had made that perfectly clear.

To make matters worse, it seemed that once one person in the office knew about the disaster that was his love life, everyone knew. Wufei had not attempted to keep his voice down while lecturing, and word got around quickly in the organization. Since then, Heero had had to endure cracks about his lack of tack from his male colleagues and advice alternated with scolding from his female colleagues. He wasn't sure which he despised more.

Sally had summed up the attitude of the department towards him when she'd stopped by earlier. "Heero," she'd said, "we always knew that eventually you'd attempt romantic interactions, and that when you did, life would get interesting."

Remembering her words, Heero let out a heartfelt groan as he let his head fall forward to connect with the desk. Calling in sick the next day was starting to seem like a viable option.

/-/-/-/

Heero tossed his coat to the side haphazardly as he took off his shoes. Normally, he would have taken the time to hang the article of clothing up properly, but after returning from the small version of hell that his workplace had become to him, he simply couldn't muster the energy. All he wanted was to flop onto the couch next to Duo and try to pretend that his previous date had never happened.

Unfortunately, it seemed that his plans were to be foiled before he'd even fully formed them. Duo wasn't there. That surprised Heero. He'd had a hard time concentrating at work that day and had gotten less done that he would have liked during the normal work hours, prompting him to stay a little later than usual. He would have expected Duo to be home before him, but there was no sign of his roommate. Heero wandered through the apartment seeking him but to no avail. Discouraged, he flopped down on the couch by himself and waited.

He had been there for perhaps a half an hour when Duo returned. Heero rose from the couch when he heard the other enter, ready to ask him for advice on handling pesky colleagues, but paused on catching sight of the other. Duo looked weary in a way that Heero hadn't seen him look since the war. His face bore signs of fatigue mixed with a look that Heero recognized as the one the former pilot got when he was unhappy about something that he was doing.

Duo looked up at him, seeming surprised to see him there. "Were you waiting for me?" he asked.

Heero nodded.

Duo glanced at his watch and looked apologetic. "Oh, jeez, it was my night to make dinner, huh? Sorry I'm so late; I'll get started on it right away."

"Actually," Heero said eyeing him critically, "I was thinking that it should be your night to order out for Chinese and not bother cooking. You look beat."

Duo gave him a tired smile. "I feel beat. Maybe I'll do that."

"Busy day at work?" Heero ventured tentatively. Duo worked with a salvage business on Earth that was connected to Hilde's business on L2, and his work schedule could be quite variable. Some times he had very few clients and plenty of leisure time, while others made him wish that there were more than 24 hours in a day. Heero wondered if Duo was entering into another one of his busy periods.

But Duo just shrugged. "Not really," he said. "I just had some other stuff I needed to take care of." Heero waited patiently for him to elaborate, but all he said was, "I'll see if I can find the flier for the Chinese food place and you can decide what you want to get."

Heero nodded quietly and let Duo drop the subject. Whatever that "other stuff" that Duo had attended to was, Duo would tell him in due time. Or not, if he so decided. It was up to him. Still, Heero was hoping that Duo would confide in him.

Heero waited until after dinner to bring up his own day at work. Duo listened sympathetically, although Heero suspected that he probably agreed with the office's opinion of him. Duo seemed particularly amused by Sally's comment.

"Life with you is always interesting," he said, smiling, "romantic interactions or no."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" Heero asked cautiously.

"A good thing," Duo assured him. "Most of the time anyway."

"What do you think I should do about them?" Heero asked.

Duo shrugged. "There's nothing really you can do except suck it up and put up with it for a little while," he said. "Eventually something else more interesting will come along and they'll forget all about you, but until then, you're stuck."

"Damn," Heero muttered. "I was afraid you'd say that."

Duo looked apologetic. "Sorry, Heero, but I don't know what else to tell you."

Heero sighed. "I hate workplace gossip. I already know that I'm the world's biggest idiot when it comes to emotions; they don't need to remind me all the time."

Duo's lips quirked up into a small smile. "You're not an idiot," he said, sounding faintly amused. "You're just... dense."

Heero snorted. "Thanks," he muttered sarcastically.

"No, really," Duo said. "There's hope for you yet. I mean you knew right away that there was no way I wanted to cook tonight, right? That's saying something."

"If I'd been really on the ball, I would have cooked for you," Heero said gloomily.

Duo shrugged. "That would have been nice, but I had no right to expect it from you. It was my turn, and by the time I got back, it was a little late to really start anything anyway."

"But it would have been nice," Heero repeated.

"Well, yeah. I mean, who doesn't like to have someone else cook for them? You know what they say, the quickest way to the heart is through the stomach. Or maybe they only say that about men..."

Duo rambled on, but Heero had stopped listening. An idea was beginning to take shape in his mind.

/-/-/-/

"Dinner at your place?" Even over the phone, Relena sounded skeptical.

"We've tried going out twice, and it hasn't worked," Heero said. "I was thinking that we could just avoid some of the problems by having you come over here."

There was silence on the other end of the line.

Heero repressed a heavy sigh. He hadn't known quite what reaction to expect, but it hadn't been this. He'd half hoped for excitement and half dreaded scorn, but silence was not what he had anticipated.

"I know I'm not the best cook in the world," he finally ventured hesitantly, "but I'm not that bad."

"Oh no," Relena said hastily, "it's not that. I'm sure you're an excellent cook."

Heero winced internally, but didn't bother to undeceive her on that score.

There was another long pause, then Relena finally said, "Well, I suppose you're right, it might be better if we try to get away from my place. And after all, they do say third time's the charm. I'd be happy to come over for dinner."

Heero felt a brief surge of triumph. "Right then," he said. "I'll see you Friday."

/-/-/-/

Luck, Heero decided, was not on his side when it came to romance.

He had planned everything out carefully, with some help from Duo, of course. His roommate had been a little surprised when Heero had sprung the scheme on him, but had complimented him for taking the initiative and agreed to help in any way possible. Together, they had cleaned up the apartment and picked out a recipe that Duo claimed had enough class for Relena, but was still relatively simply to make. It had seemed like things might just work out like they were supposed to.

Then, about an hour before Relena was due to arrive, Duo had left, claiming that his presence would "ruin the atmosphere." While Heero had to admit that he was probably right, he was still sorry to see the other go. He'd discovered long ago that Duo provided great moral support.

Duo also provided kitchen assistance, something of which Heero was in desperate need at that moment. When he'd looked over the recipe and estimated the time needed to prepare it, he'd failed to take into account the fact that he had never prepared this particular meal before. Consequently, the quiche, which should have gone into the oven fifteen minutes previously, was still sitting on the counter, waiting to have the final ingredients added. At the rate he was going, he'd be lucky to have the damn thing in the oven by the time Relena got there, let alone have dinner on the table.

Swearing under his breath, Heero attacked the eggs he was whisking with renewed vengeance. He would finish dinner on time. He'd show them all that he could do things right. He'd show Duo that all of his teaching hadn't gone to waste.

That thought made him pause briefly. Truth be told, if he thought about it, he had to admit that he was more worried about disappointing Duo than disappointing Relena, which was odd. It should have been the other way around. Then again, he did live with Duo, so any screw-ups on his part would have longer lasting consequences. That, and...

Heero shook himself out of his daze and continued his task. This was getting him nowhere. Relena was due to arrive any minute, and he needed to be ready to greet her. The last thing he needed was another screw-up.

The knock on the door came just as he was pouring the last of the egg mixture into the crust. Hastily, he scraped the final globs of the mixture out of the bowl and into the pan, shoved the pan into the oven, and viciously twisted the knob to turn the oven on, not looking to see how high he had set it. Then, throwing the remaining dishes into the sink on his way out of the kitchen, he dashed to the door.

Relena was waiting on the doorstep looking like she had mixed feeling about being there. She smiled when she saw Heero, however, and stretched out her hands to him. Awkwardly, he took them and ushered her into the apartment. He debated briefly whether or not he should ask her to remove her shoes, as he had instilled that rule upon moving into the apartment. It was one of his few attempts to return to his cultural heritage, but looking down at her heels and sheer stockings, he doubted that she would want to take off her shoes, and he didn't feel like arguing about it.

Instead, he said, "Dinner's going to be a little late."

"Oh well," Relena said, smiling at him as she took a seat on the couch. "That will leave us plenty of time to talk."

/Talk about what?/ Heero wondered, but he didn't voice the thought aloud. After all, Relena was a politician, and if nothing else, he figured she knew how to carry on a conversation fairly well. He sat in the armchair across from her and waited patiently for her to say something.

"So, how has work been going?" Relena asked.

Heero shrugged. It hadn't been going so great; despite Duo's prediction, the office hadn't forgotten about him yet. Still, he could hardly tell Relena about that, since she was indirectly the cause of it.

"That good, huh?" Relena asked wryly.

Heero shrugged again. "How about you?" he asked.

And so, Heero was treated to a half an hour discourse on politics and various political leaders, their views, their quirks, and their various personality flaws. Relena became quite animated as she discussed the people and situations she worked with, throwing in wild hand gestures and even a few voice imitations. Heero sat quietly and listened, occasionally grunting a response at appropriate points.

This state of affairs might have continued for some time, if Relena had not suddenly paused in her narrative and sniffed the air delicately. "Is that...smoke?" she asked hesitantly.

Heero took a deep breath as well and picked up the distinct odor of smoke. As if on cue, the smoke detector went off, filling the apartment with a series of shrill beeps. Heero leaped out of his chair and dashed for the kitchen, cursing luridly under his breath. Relena got up and followed a short distance behind him, looking bewildered and a little alarmed.

When Heero charged into the kitchen, he was immediately enveloped in a thick cloud of smoke that smelled heavily of burnt food. The first thing he did was to navigate his way through the kitchen by memory until he reached the window at the far end. After a bit of fumbling, he managed to get it open. Sticking his head out the window, he took a few gulping breaths of fresh air before turning back to the kitchen and heading over to the oven.

It hadn't taken him long to figure out what must have happened. In his haste to answer the door, he had set the oven too high, and the quiche within was burning. This guess was confirmed when, upon opening the oven, he was once again surrounded by smoke. Coughing and trying rather ineffectively to wave it away, Heero peered into the oven at his creation. The filling of the quiche had evidently boiled over and spattered all over the bottom of the oven, where it had apparently caught fire. Currently, it was still smoldering, filling the kitchen with even more smoke. In the background, the continuous beeping of the smoke alarm told Heero that the smoke had spread to the rest of the apartment too, but he was too preoccupied to care. He was tying to figure out if there was any hope at all of salvaging dinner.

A sudden series of coughs from behind him reminded him of why he had been fixing dinner in the first place. Relena had followed him into the kitchen and was now coughing and trying to fan the smoke away from her. "Heero," she choked, "What's going on here?"

Heero tore his eyes away from the sorry remains of the quiche to look at her. She was still coughing violently, and her blue eyes, which were watering a bit from the smoke, were fixed on him with an expression of mingled irritation, confusion, and disappointment.

Heero sighed heavily and wondered if this night could possibly get any worse.

Then he heard the sirens.

/-/-/-/

"Yes," Heero said, nodding emphatically to the fireman. "Yes, I understand. It won't happen again." Internally, he was gritting his teeth and trying to keep his patience. This was the third lecture he had received from the firemen about fire safety in the kitchen, and it was getting a little tiresome. He hadn't actually lit anything on fire, after all. It certainly wasn't his fault that one of his paranoid neighbors in the apartment complex had seen the smoke coming from the kitchen window and decided to call the fire department.

As if the humiliation of having the fire department show up on his doorstep hadn't been enough, Relena had turned against him. At least, that was how Heero saw it. She had begun coughing loudly and claiming that she felt unwell, possibly due to smoke inhalation. Heero, who had been exposed to the smoke for a greater length of time than Relena, and at higher concentrations too, didn't feel much the worse for wear, or at least not because of the smoke. Had he been in a more magnanimous state of mind, he might have considered the fact that Relena was also less used to smoke than he was. Given his current mood, however, he was inclined to put it down to hypochondria, and he was rather irritated with her. Of course, this just made her irritated with him for being irritated with her.

In the end, Relena had put an effective end to their disaster of a date by deciding to go to the hospital, just in case. In a last ditch effort to be courteous, Heero had offered to drive her there, but she had declined, instead choosing to ride in the ambulance which was already present. Heero, who knew full well that she could afford the ambulance ride, let her go without protest. Now all he had to do was get the last of the firemen out of his apartment without being lectured again.

He was so preoccupied with figuring out how to do just that that he almost didn't hear his name being called the first time. When he turned around, however, he saw Duo coming barreling towards him. Before he had time to react, his roommate had flung himself on him, arms wrapping around his shoulders and clutching him tightly.

"Heero!" Duo cried. "Are you all right? What happened?"

"I'm fine," Heero replied, more than a little surprised by this reception.

Duo loosened his grasp a bit, stepping back to survey Heero critically, but not releasing his shoulders. "Thank God," he breathed, sounding immensely relieved. "I saw the fire trucks and the ambulance, and I got worried. What happened?"

As briefly as he could, Heero explained what had happened. "The ambulance you saw wasn't for me," he concluded. "It was for Relena."

Duo's eyes widened. "Relena? Is she all right?"

Heero snorted. "She's fine, or at least she ought to be. I think she's just overreacting, letting a little thing like this bother her."

Duo frowned. "She might just be serious, you know," he said.

Heero scowled at him. "If you're implying that I should be more concerned for her, forget it. She's fine. She certainly felt well enough to emphatically refuse me when I offered to drive her to the hospital." He paused suddenly and considered the tone in which he had delivered this tirade. "I'm sorry," he said to Duo. "I shouldn't snap at you."

To his surprise, Duo just smiled. "It's okay," he said. "If you're still able to get annoyed with me, you must be feeling okay, and that's what matters, really. I'm just glad you're okay."

His answer made Heero feel just a bit guilty. "I'm sorry I scared you," he said.

"That's all right," Duo answered easily. "It's not like you meant for this to happen, right?"

Heero shook his head emphatically. "I wish this had never happened," he muttered with feeling.

"Tell you what," Duo said. "Why don't we go open all the windows to let the apartment air out, and then I'll take you out to dinner, since I bet you haven't eaten anything yet. We'll worry about cleaning up later. Does that sound good?"

For the first time since the whole fiasco had started, Heero allowed himself a small smile. A dinner spent out with Duo sounded very nice just then. It would allow him to relax and not worry about how much he had screwed up. On an impulse, Heero reached out and abruptly caught his roommate up in a hug. He was so grateful to Duo for being there and being calm and rational about things.

"Thank you," he whispered.

Duo, who had initially tensed, relaxed into the hug and even returned it, pressing himself close to Heero. "Anytime, Heero," he said. "Anytime."

Tbc...

Author's Notes: Many thanks to Blue Jeans, who gave me the idea for the courtship ritual featured in this chapter.

On another note, let me apologize for the horrifically long interlude between updates. I'm afraid that my fandom preferences have been shifting about of late, but I swear I'll try to get this one finished. Part of the next chapter is already written, so hopefully that will make things easier. And for those of you who are hankering after some actual 1x2, be patient, it's coming soon!


	6. Revelations and Arguments

Disclaimers: Gundam Wing and its characters do not belong to me.

Warnings: shounen ai, language in later parts, Relena bashing? (I'm not trying to, but some people will hate her anyway.)

Author's Notes: Wow, finals week sure got me on a roll. Any delay between this chapter and the last one is mostly due to the fact that I decided to run it by my beta in person when I came home for the holidays. I know it's shocking that you don't have to wait a month for the next chapter, but just consider it a Christmas present or something. It's unfortunately probably not something I'm going to make a habit of.

Courtship Rituals

By Rapunzel

Chapter 6: Revelations and Arguments

The dinner out with Duo turned out to be a rather subdued affair, since Heero was still in a bad mood and didn't want to risk the possibility that he would end up taking it out on his roommate, who had had nothing to do with it. When they returned home, Duo made Heero call Relena to make sure she was okay. He did, and she assured him, rather curtly, that she was fine, thank you for inquiring. Then she hung up on him.

He and Duo surveyed the charred mess on the bottom of the oven, and both came to the conclusion that they weren't going to use the oven until tomorrow night at the earliest and that leaving the mess until tomorrow wasn't going to hurt anything. It was late, and Heero in particular felt tired and didn't want to deal with it.

The next day, however, he decided that the unpleasant task of cleaning the oven had to be tackled, and preferably by him. It didn't seem fair to make Duo do it, after all, since he had had no hand in creating the mess. It was Heero's fault, and he would deal with it. With that thought in mind, Heero left work a little early the next day. When he arrived back at the apartment, he saw no sign of Duo, and so assumed that his roommate was still at work. Shrugging to himself, he got out the cleaning supplies and prepared himself for the task at hand.

Before he could begin scraping the charred residue off the bottom of the oven, however, the doorbell rang. Cursing quietly under his breath, he rose to his feet and prepared to go answer it. It was probably some door-to-door salesperson, he figured, either that or a religious type. Either way, he wasn't looking forward to opening the door.

He was surprised, however, when, before he could leave the kitchen, he heard footsteps padding across the living room and Duo's voice muttering, "Hang on, I'm coming, I'm coming."

Heero blinked. He hadn't known his roommate was home. Duo must have been in his bedroom when he arrived, and so he hadn't seen him. Presumably, Duo hadn't heard him come in either, or he would have come out to greet him.

From the other room came the sound of the front door being opened, and then Duo's voice saying, "Oh, hello. I'm afraid Heero isn't home from work yet."

Heero was about to step forward and contradict that statement when he heard Relena's voice answering, "That's all right. I wanted to talk to you anyway."

Heero immediately drew back. Despite the fact that he was supposed to be dating her, she wasn't high on his list of people he wanted to see at that moment. Of course, given the way she had acted towards him the previous night, he guessed he wasn't exactly at the top of her list either. But then what on earth was she doing here? She said she wanted to talk to Duo, but about what? Curious, Heero sidled closer to the doorway so that he could hear what was going on in the living room.

He heard Relena sigh heavily as she sat down. "It's about Heero."

"I figured it probably was," Duo said wryly.

"It's just... Well, I thought we had a deal, Duo, and it doesn't seem like you're holding up your end."

Heero frowned. A deal? What the hell was she talking about?

Duo's voice took on a quality that told Heero that his roommate was trying not to get angry or exasperated. "There is no 'deal,' Relena. You asked me for a favor, and I've tried to oblige you."

"You haven't been trying very hard," Relena said scathingly. "Every time Heero and I have tried to date so far, it's ended in disaster, and it's always his fault. I thought you said you were going to help him!"

Heero bristled slightly at both her tone and her words, but waited in silence to see what his roommate would have to say.

"I've been trying to, okay?" Duo snapped back, sounding defensive. "Heero's an ingenious guy; he can think of all sorts of ways to do things that I wouldn't predict or expect. And anyway, it's not always his fault."

"No?" Relena sounded sarcastic. "Don't try to tell me that. Every single one of those disasters could have been prevented if he had just acted a little differently. It's like he's not even trying."

"Now that's not fair," Duo protested. "He is trying, you're just expecting too much from him."

"I'm expecting too much from him?!" Relena repeated incredulously. "Is it so unreasonable for me to expect my boyfriend to show a little decency and concern for me? You should have seen how he treated me last night! Acting like I was a nuisance when I said I wasn't feeling well! He could have been at least a little worried about me."

"I'm sure that if he had thought that you were in any way unwell, he would have been worried about you. But he figured you were fine, and he was right, wasn't he?"

"Yes, but that's not the point!" Relena snapped. "He had no way of knowing that. And why couldn't he show at least a little sympathy?"

Despite the fact that Heero couldn't see his roommate from where he was standing, he was sure that Duo was rolling his eyes. "I hate to break it to you, Relena, but Heero's not exactly big in the sympathy department. He certainly doesn't give it to people when he thinks they don't need it. That's just the way he is."

"Well, that's what you're here for," Relena said. "I thought you agreed to help out with these issues. It seems to me like you're falling down on the job."

"No," Duo said, his voice gone quiet and serious. "I never agreed to that."

"You said-" Relena started angrily, but Duo cut her off.

"I said that I would help Heero learn all the little social rituals that are supposed to go with dating. I never agreed to try and fix any personality problems you think he has."

"You said you'd help him," Relena insisted stubbornly. "Don't you think that this falls into that category?"

"Damn it, Relena, think about what you're asking!" Duo said forcefully. "You're asking me to try and make Heero into someone he's not. You can't do that; it's not fair."

"What I'm asking isn't unreasonable!" Relena protested.

"But it is," Duo told her. "You want him to change while you stay the same. It can't work like that. If he's going to change, it'll be because he wants to, not because you want him to."

"If he loves me, he'll want to!" Relena said firmly.

Duo sighed heavily, a resigned sound. "I think," he said softly, "that you may need to reconsider what it is you want from this, Relena. If what you want is Heero, as he is, to be your boyfriend, and if he wants that too, then I'll help you. Otherwise, there really isn't anything I can do for you."

"Damn it, Duo!" Relena cried, and Heero could tell how stressed and agitated she must have been because she almost never swore. "You can't back out on me now!"

"I'm not backing out of something I never agreed to in the first place," Duo said seriously. "I mean it, Relena. Think this over, because until you decide, I have nothing to say to you."

There was a rustling of fabric as Relena stood up from the couch. "Well," she said, sounding like she was controlling her voice very carefully, "in that case, I'll just be going, shall I?" She sounded, Heero realized, like she was either trying hard not to scream at him or not to burst into tears. Possibly both.

"I'll see you to the door," Duo answered quietly, and proceeded to do just that.

Heero tuned out the sounds in the living room as Duo rose to escort Relena out. His brain was working furiously, putting together pieces that had been there for days now, which he simply hadn't realized the significance of. Duo's absences, the business he had been attending to that he refused to tell Heero about. Those must have been times he had gone to see Relena. Duo's willingness to help him, his encouragement, all at her behest. And he had been foolish enough to think that Duo had been doing it for him, because he actually had faith in him. He felt a surge of hurt, followed quickly by anger. What the hell did Duo think he was doing, playing around like that? Shouldn't he have at least consulted with Heero first to try and see what **he** wanted? All this mess with Relena could have been avoided!

His temper rising at an alarming rate, Heero strode out into the living room, ready to confront his roommate. He managed to time it so that he came in just as Duo returned from shutting the door. When Duo caught sight of him, his face went pale, and Heero felt a momentary surge of vindication. Duo knew he was caught now.

The pallor soon faded, however, into a look of resignation. "How much did you hear?" Duo asked, not sounding frightened or defensive, only tired. The note of defeat in his voice coupled with his sad countenance almost made Heero back off before he reminded himself that he had good reason to be angry.

"I heard the whole conversation," he answered, his eyes boring accusingly into Duo.

Duo's lips twitched at the corners into a mirthless smile. "I see," he said. "And I take it you're not very pleased with what you heard."

"And I take it that I'm allowed to be displeased, since you went behind my back with Relena like that," Heero growled.

A flash of irritation crossed Duo's face. "Now wait a minute, I may not have told you that she asked me to help, but it wasn't exactly behind your back. You were willing to accept my help."

"Yeah, and look where it got me!" Heero snapped. "Not that it really mattered anyway, because the whole thing was her idea really, wasn't it? I can't believe you let her use you like that! Did you ever feel any loyalty at all towards me?"

"Now that's not fair!" Duo protested, growing defensive. "I feel plenty of loyalty towards you. If you recall, I did ask you at the outset if you were okay with this, and you said yes!"

"Because you pushed me into it!" Heero shot back.

"I didn't push you into anything!" Duo cried. "I'm your friend, Heero, I always have been! If you had said no, I would have backed off and left it at that!"

"Would you have?" Heero accused. "Are you sure you wouldn't have tried to talk me into it because she wanted you to?"

"No!" Duo responded vehemently. "I'd have gone with your wishes over hers any day!"

"And why is that, huh?" Heero asked scathingly. "You seem to follow Relena's wishes pretty closely. Why would what I think make any difference to you?"

"Because I love you, you stupid moron!" Duo yelled in frustration.

Utter silence followed this confession. Heero simply stood and stared at Duo, his mouth hanging slightly open. Duo, for his part, looked equally shocked and just a little horrified. His violet eyes were dark with mingled anger, frustration, longing, and something that looked unpleasantly like despair. The expression on his face told Heero more clearly than words that Duo had not meant to say that.

"You..." he started, but then fell silent. This was just too much to process all at once. "Why did you..."

Duo drew himself up. "Why did I what?" he asked boldly. Pain was evidently starting to take a backseat to defiance, as it so often did with Duo. That was just one of the ways he controlled himself.

Heero was confused, but more than that, he was still angry. "If you claim to love me, why did you try so damned hard to set me up with Relena?" he demanded.

It was the wrong thing to say. Duo's eyes flashed with fury. "First of all, let's get one thing straight. I don't just **claim** to love you, I do! If you want to make fun of that, well, screw you! Second of all, I tried to 'set you up' as you put it because you indicated to me that that was what you wanted!"

"So you just decided to let go? You didn't try to stop me at all, to put up a fight of some sort?"

"No!" Duo looked ready to tear his hair out. "God dammit, Heero! What would you have had me do? Get in a catfight over you like some infatuated school girl?! Because that would be really mature!" he spat sarcastically.

"You could have done something!" Heero returned. "You could at least have tried!"

"I did try!" Duo cried harshly. "I tried to make sure you were happy, you prick! That's all I've been trying to do since the start of this whole mess!"

"And you thought that following up on some vague notion I had about dating would make me happy?"

"It's never just a vague notion with you, Heero!" Duo spat back. "You don't seem to have vague notions, or if you do, you never mention them! You never say what it is you're thinking, and so when you do actually express an interest in something, I usually take that to mean it's pretty damned important to you!"

"Well, if you thought I was so keen to date Relena, you obviously don't know me as well as you thought!" Heero yelled back.

For a moment Duo stood absolutely still. The look that flitted across his face was one that Heero recognized. He'd seen it before when he'd smashed his fist into Duo's stomach during the Mariemeia incident. That look of shocked surprise mingled with pain now crossed Duo's features, only to vanish again to be replaced by a look of fury oddly tinged with resignation.

"I think," Duo said, his voice shaking slightly with the effort he was putting in to control both its volume and its tone, "That we should not discuss this further until both of us have had a chance to calm down." So saying, he made his way over to the door of the apartment, grabbing his coat on the way. "I'm going out," he said as he slipped on his shoes. "Don't try to follow me."

He let the door bang shut behind him, and then he was gone.

Tbc...

Author's Notes: Wow... I basically just wrote an entire chapter of people arguing...


	7. Weirdness

Disclaimers: Gundam Wing and its characters do not belong to me.

Warnings: shounen ai, language in later parts, Relena bashing? (I'm not trying to, but some people will hate her anyway.)

Author's Notes: Well, my muse has been on a roll lately. Not that I'm complaining...

Courtship Rituals

By Rapunzel

Chapter 7: Weirdness

Not for the first time, Heero found himself wishing that their living room clock didn't tick. Most of the time it didn't bother him; in fact, he'd grown so accustomed to the sound that he'd stopped noticing it some time ago. Now, however, after sitting in silence in the living room for too long, the constant, quiet ticking was grating on his nerves. He'd given up pacing several hours ago when he'd noticed that he was wearing a noticeable path into the carpet. Now he simply sat on the couch with his head in hands, waiting for Duo to return.

After about an hour of furious pacing earlier in the evening Heero had reached the conclusion that maybe he had been slightly out of line. After all, he'd never actually **told** Duo that he didn't want to date Relena. He'd gone along with the whole thing, so he was at least partially at fault too. He'd followed the plan even when he'd begun to realize that his goal had changed. He no longer cared so much about making Relena happy, but more about proving himself to Duo and everyone else. But how was Duo to know that when Heero himself had barely realized it? Duo could just as easily have interpreted his determination as devotion to Relena. In that case, his efforts to help Heero could be seen as more supportive than manipulative.

And when it came down to it, hadn't Duo taken his side? Hadn't he told Relena he wouldn't try to make Heero change just because she wanted him to? But Heero really hadn't been paying much attention to that, he'd been too busy nursing his anger and resentment. And then he'd gone and accused Duo of being manipulative and disloyal. And he'd mocked Duo's feelings for him, and said deliberately hurtful things...

Okay, so he'd been **way** out of line.

Of course, he couldn't actually apologize to Duo until his roommate returned, hence all the waiting.

Rubbing his eyes, Heero glanced up at the clock. It was almost midnight, and still no sign of Duo. Heero felt a surge of guilt when he considered that whatever he had said to hurt Duo so much must have been bad indeed if it was taking him this long to calm down. Heero himself wouldn't have said that he was exactly calm, but after having so much time to himself to think things over, he was ready to discuss things with Duo without losing his temper again.

After Duo had walked out earlier in the evening, Heero had decided that it might be helpful to try and analyze the recent events and the reactions both he and Duo had had to them. In fact, the soldier part of his mind told him that he should have done so long ago, but then hindsight was always perfect. And so, during the course of his pacing and his sitting, he had thought things over and reached a few conclusions.

After thinking over the first conversation he had had with Duo on the subject of dating, Heero had decided that he probably had given Duo sufficient cause to think that he was interested in Relena. Granted, Duo had been the one responsible for the introduction of the subject, but Heero's responses could easily have given him the impression that he was in love with the princess. When seen in that light, Duo's attempts to help him started to look less like a conspiracy cooked up by Relena.

The next conclusion Heero had reached was that his anger towards his roommate following Duo's confession was mostly irrational. His anger had been more of a cover for his hurt than anything else. And he had been hurt, hurt that Duo had not pursued him. His logic told him that if Duo had loved him, he should have made some sort of effort to let Heero know. Certainly he should not have made an effort to hook the object of his affections up with someone else. Looking back on it, Heero realized the his logic had one major flaw: he had not taken into account the fact that Duo thought he had been in love with Relena. Of course Duo would not pursue him if he thought there was no hope. In fact, Heero had to grudgingly admire Duo's selflessness in the matter, even if he still thought that Duo should not have acted as he did.

This conclusion and the thoughts that led up to it had sparked another realization. Heero himself felt rather strongly for Duo. Not having ever been in love before, he could not be sure if that was what he was feeling or not, but there must have been something there, or else he wouldn't have wanted Duo to pursue him. He wished that he had simply tried to date Duo from the start. Duo wouldn't have minded his screw-ups as much. For that matter, Duo probably wouldn't have made him bother learning the social rituals at all, since he knew how inept Heero was when it came to such things. Duo understood him better than anyone else.

The last conclusion Heero had come to was that he was an idiot. Just as Duo prided himself on knowing Heero, Heero prided himself on knowing Duo. He should have seen the signs ages ago. But they had all been little things, small gestures of caring that Heero became so accustomed to that he never realized their significance. It would have taken something big to get his attention on that score. In some ways, he was no better than Relena.

There were footsteps out in the hall. Heero's head jerked up as he looked expectantly towards the door. Sure enough, a moment later he heard the handle turn and the door open quietly. There were two soft thumps as Duo removed his shoes, and then he was in the living room and staring at Heero with tired eyes.

"You waited up for me," he said softly.

Heero nodded. "We need to talk."

Duo winced. "Please don't say that."

"Why not?" Heero asked, puzzled.

"Because," Duo said, "those four words have spelled doom for an awful lot of relationships."

"Well, they won't spell doom for this one," Heero said firmly, trying to muster conviction for something he wasn't really sure of.

Duo looked surprised for a moment, then he gave Heero a half hearted smile.

"When I said we needed to talk," Heero persisted, "I meant that I need to apologize. I shouldn't have accused you of trying to manipulate me when you weren't."

Duo sighed heavily and padded over to sit next to Heero on the couch, his eyes downcast. "But I was, in a way," he said sadly. "I just thought that it was what you wanted."

Heero nodded. "I know. I thought it was what I wanted too, for a while at least. But, Duo, I really don't like Relena as much as all that. And after all that's happened, I doubt she likes me much either."

Duo raised his head in surprise. "You don't?"

Heero shook his head.

"But you tried so hard to impress her," Duo said. "I mean, yeah, I gave you some pointers, but you were the one who worked hard to follow them."

"I wasn't trying for her," Heero said with a shrug. "I was trying more for myself, I guess. Trying to get things right for once."

"Trying to prove that you could do anything," Duo said, nodding in understanding. "Yes, I see now. That's just like you, really."

"I'm sorry you misunderstood my intentions," Heero said apologetically, "but I didn't really understand them either."

Duo gave him a tentative smile. "That's okay," he said. "I hope you'll forgive me for trying to make you do something you really didn't want to. You're right, it was Relena's plan. She asked me not to tell you because she was worried about your pride getting in the way, but I still shouldn't have gone behind your back like that."

"Apology accepted," Heero said. "I think I know why you did it."

"Yeah." Duo shifted uncomfortably. "Listen, about that... about what I said earlier, I don't suppose there's any way you could just... forget about that, is there?"

"Forget about it?" Heero repeated in surprise.

Duo made a wry face. "Yeah. Look, I know you're not good with relationship stuff, and I don't want you to feel pressured or anything, but I don't want things to change between us either."

Heero's eyebrows had practically climbed into his hair by this time.

"I mean," Duo amended hastily, "that I like being friends with you and living with you and everything, I don't want that to change, so... just forget about it, if you can."

Heero considered this, then he shook his head slowly. "I can't just forget about it."

"Oh," Duo said sadly. "I guess that's not surprising, considering you." He was silent for a moment, sitting with his head bowed, then in a rather small voice, he asked, "Are things going to get weird between us now?"

"I don't know," Heero said thoughtfully. "I guess that depends on what you think is weird. Would it be weird if I asked you to go out to dinner with me this Friday?"

Duo's head shot up in surprise. "Dinner?" he repeated. "Heero, you're not still trying to prove that you can do that dating thing, are you? Because I don't think it really matters-"

"That may be part of it," Heero said, interrupting him, "but that's not the main reason. I know what I'm asking."

Duo considered him. "Are you sure?" he asked. "I know you don't like going out in public much. You don't have to if you don't want to."

"I know," Heero answered. "You'd let me back out and not be upset. And that's why I want to."

The smile Duo gave his was a thing of beauty, but he only had a moment to marvel at it, for then Duo's lips were pressed rather firmly against his. Having never been kissed before, Heero was unsure of how to describe the sensation, except that it was exhilarating.

When Duo pulled back, Heero gave him a slight smile. "So I take it you'll come?"

Duo laughed. "Of course! Boy, Heero, if this is your idea of weirdness, I'd say normality's overrated anyway."

/-/-/-/-/

"You have reached Vice Foreign Minister Dorlian's office, how may I help you?"

"Is Relena in?" Heero asked.

"Oh, Mr. Yuy," the female voice at the other end of the phone chirped, and Heero reflected that it was sign of how often he had called the office recently that she recognized him without his having to identify himself. "I'm glad you called. Ms. Relena wanted to speak to you."

Heero felt a surge of apprehension. He wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

"Hang on just a moment," the secretary was saying, "I'll put you straight through."

There was a faint click, and then it was Relena speaking. "Hello? Heero?"

"Yes, it's me," he said.

"Oh good," Relena said. "I've been hoping you would call."

"Well," Heero said, "I have some things I needed to talk to you about."

"Yes?" Relena said, sounding interested.

"First of all," Heero said, "I think that I probably owe you an apology for the way our last get-together went. I was careless when setting the oven temperature, so that mess was my fault, and I suppose it was unfair of me to be irritated with you."

"Oh, Heero, that's okay," Relena said with a little laugh. "It's all in the past."

"Yes," Heero agreed. "That incident is in the past. But what about the next one? Or the one after that?"

"What do you mean?" Relena asked.

"I mean," Heero said, "that I don't think that things will really work well between us. We're not really all that compatible."

"Heero?" Relena said weakly, sounding like someone had just sucker punched her.

Heero felt a mild surge of guilt for that tone, but quashed it fairly easily. After all, this was for the best. "I'm sorry, Relena, but I don't think I'm the man you're looking for. Better luck in the future."

"Wait, Heero!"

He hung up. Taking a deep breath, he let it out again in a relieved sigh. It felt as if a very large weight had been lifted off of him.

/Thank goodness that's over./

/-/-/-/-/

"You broke up with her over the phone?" Duo said incredulously. "Jeez, Heero, how tactless can you get?"

"I thought tactless was what I was going for," Heero said calmly. "That's the way I am. And if anything, this should just help convince her that she really wants nothing to do with me."

"Well," Duo acknowledged after a moment of consideration, "when you put it like that, it does seem reasonable. All the same, you don't want to hurt her feelings."

"Her feelings would have been hurt no matter how I'd done it," Heero said. "But hopefully she'll get over it and we can still be friends. I don't want things to get weird between us."

Remembering Heero's most recent definition of weirdness, Duo frowned and muttered, "Well, I should hope not."

Heero laughed.

Tbc...

Author's Notes: Almost there! Just one more chapter, I think, and then I'm done.


	8. Company

Disclaimers: Gundam Wing and its characters do not belong to me.

Warnings: shounen ai, language in later parts, Relena bashing? (I'm not trying to, but some people will hate her anyway.)

Author's Notes: Yes, miracles do occasionally seem to occur. I promised myself that I would finish this, and I did.

Due to the oddities of the new uploading system, thoughts will now be denoted by '...' and scene breaks by /-/-/-/ instead of the previous symbols. My apologies for any confusion.

Courtship Rituals

By Rapunzel

Chapter 8: Company

When Friday night arrived, Heero found that he was jittery and nervous, but also excited. The prospect of going on a date with Duo somehow seemed more nerve-wracking than all the dates he had attempted with Relena, which was counterintuitive in a way, since there was less of a chance of screwing up royally and offending Duo. Less danger should have translated into fewer jitters, but oddly enough it did not.

Duo was evidently feeling some of the pressure too, for he was fidgeting when Heero came out and found him in the living room. Duo smiled when he saw him and said, "You know, I think I already set the tone for the night earlier when I almost strangled myself trying to get my tie on right. I think for future reference, a less formal place might suit me better."

"Me too," Heero agreed reluctantly, "but I already made the reservation for the restaurant. It seems like I have to go there at least once after all the times I canceled out after 'dates' with Relena. But we'll know for next time."

His spirits cheered by the prospect that Heero was already thinking of a next time, Duo's smile brightened and lost some of its nervous edge. "Well, let's go then," he said. "We wouldn't want to be late."

/-/-/-/

At the restaurant, Heero reflected that he should have listened to Duo earlier and gone with less formality. Damn sympathy for the previously snubbed restaurant; that was fading fast anyway. Since they were not as important as some of the other clientele at the place, they had been stuck in a back corner of the dimly lit room where they would not be highly visible to most of the patrons. Heero considered that the restaurant didn't really cater to the famous, since he and Duo probably had more fame between the two of them than almost anyone else there. Or perhaps notoriety was a better way to describe it. Certainly it wasn't every day that two ex-Gundam pilots stopped by for dinner. Still, they didn't go with the image the restaurant was trying to present, and so they were doomed to be ignored by everyone except their waiter.

This didn't especially bother Heero, he was used to anonymity and rather preferred it to the alternative. What he currently cursed was the large assortment of forks he was presented with. So far as he was concerned, he only needed one of the damned things, but there were at least three lying innocuously next to his plate, and he hadn't the foggiest idea which he was supposed to use first. Heero reflected that chopsticks might have been a safer way to go, but reflected that asking for such things here would probably be looked down upon more than using the wrong fork. Damn. He knew there was a reason he had made Quatre handle any formal dinning occasions during and just after the war.

Still, Heero thought, it could have been much worse. Had he been here with Relena, such a small problem could have spelled disaster. And, he realized, he had his own personal social rituals expert sitting right across the table from him. Brightening considerably at this insight, Heero leaned across slightly and whispered, "Hey, Duo?"

Duo looked at him with mild curiosity. Although their conversation so far had been delivered in low tones, they hadn't resorted to all out whispering. "Yeah?" he answered back just as quietly.

"Which fork do I use first?"

Duo frowned at the question. He surveyed the forks briefly, then looked back at Heero and answered honestly, "I have no idea."

"You don't know?" Heero whispered incredulously. "But I thought you were the expert at social rituals."

"I'm an expert at people," Duo said, "not the silly formal things. Jeez, Heero, think about who you're talking to here. I'm the guy who almost managed to hang himself with a necktie earlier tonight. I grew up on the streets, where we worried a hell of a lot more about what we were going to eat than what we were going to eat it with. You'd have to get Quatre to tell you all about the forks."

Heero sighed dramatically and made a tsking sound. "So you don't even know which fork to use?" he said, imitating the scolding, slightly disappointed tone he had heard all too many times from Relena. "Don't worry," he added, "I forgive you."

For a moment, he and Duo stared across the table at each other straight-faced. Then Duo made a snorting noise, and soon the entire restaurant had turned to look at them, wondering why on earth the two young men in corner were laughing so loudly.

/-/-/-/

"Oh man," Duo said, still chuckling as they left the restaurant almost an hour later. "Did you see the look on the waiter's face? I seriously thought they were going to throw us out when we started laughing like that. And you could just see him twitch when he saw you use the same fork for the salad and the main course."

Heero smiled, remembering how he had simply solved the fork dilemma by picking one and using the same one throughout the meal. As Duo had said, the waiter had not been pleased by this, and had made a point of removing all the forks except one by the time dessert had been brought in, thus forcing Heero to use the correct utensil for at least one course. Not that the man had been any more pleased with Duo, who had eaten most of his meal with a spoon just to be perverse. He and Duo had not been able to stop snickering all throughout the entire meal, a fact which Heero was sure had not endeared them to their server. The man had probably thought they were both drunk.

But now, standing outside the restaurant with Duo at his side and the two of them still laughing, the snobby waiter was all but forgotten. For the first time on one of his dates, Heero realized, he had managed to screw up royally and still have fun. That had to be a good omen.

As if reading his mind, Duo turned to him, still with a grin on his face, and said, "So, Mr. Socially Inept, what did you think of the evening?"

"I think," Heero said solemnly, "that the company more than made up for any faux-pas we might have committed."

Some of the humor left Duo's face, but his smile remained and even seemed to grow brighter. "I think," he said softly, "that you might be right about that." So saying, he leaned over and gave Heero a light peck on the lips.

Heero responded by reaching out and grasping Duo's tie, using it to pull the other in for a longer and much more satisfying kiss. When they finally pulled apart, Heero said, "I think I finally figured out why they make people wear these things."

Duo laughed again. "You know, when you put it like that, wearing them isn't so bad."

"Hm," Heero said, "I still think that I won't make you wear one next time."

"Or the time after that?" Duo breathed softly as he leaned in closer again.

"Or the time after that," Heero confirmed, just before their lips met.

'Or the time after that. Or the time after that...'

Owari

Author's Notes: I know a lot of people thought I had abandoned this one, and I don't blame them. I'm afraid that I have switched fandoms in the past year, so I now no longer write much for Gundam Wing. I'll probably always have at least one toe in the fandom, but it'll be that small, vestigial toe on the outside of the foot. In short, I probably won't be writing many more fics for this series. Maybe it's just as well, since a lot of the sites and forums I knew for Gundam Wing seem to have died or are on their way out. All I can say is it's been fun.

On a brighter note, thanks to everyone who reviewed this fic! Thanks also to Amarin Rose for giving me the idea about the forks. And an extra special thanks to Blue Jeans, for helping me think up courtship rituals for Heero even though she disapproves of my treatment of Relena, and to M.E., my beta reader extraordinaire! Someday I'll actually manage to finish those gift fics for them...


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